Wednesday, January 2, 2008

When Friends Become Moms....and You Don't

(Originally posted elsewhere, Sept. 2007)

I've known my closest girlfriend since we were 17. We met right after high school, sized each other up in that way that young women have, and it could've gone either way. We were very much the same, and could've ended up being deadly enemies. But we wound up as extremely close friends -- so close that I beat her own sister in a bridal-shower game that involved figuring out how would my friend would answer the questions given. The friendship has withstood other people's gossip, bomb threats, boys, the evil boyfriend from hell (aka, Voldemort of the Westside) who cheated on her with me (don't ask, it's a long story), losing touch for a few years, family upheavals, family deaths, and her wedding (just kidding; she was an amazingly low-maintenance bride). When this year's fall college classes began, I realized that we'd been best friends for twenty years. More than half our lives.

My other friend was much the same way. We met at my first job with Megalomanic Insurance, Inc., and she became my friend and mentor. We survived job and boyfriend ups and downs. She taught me how to dress like a grown-up, but with style. I taught her the stuff about sex that no one tells you. (There was an incident where she was dating a guy who was uncircumcised, and before the big "we're gonna do it" date, she was all in a pother about whether it would look hideous. I tried to explain it, but we ended up buying gay porn to get the full frontal nekkie pic.) Sixteen years. Almost half my life.

And then something happened with both of them.

They became moms.

It's difficult for me to still be relevant to their lives right now. All of their friends are moms. Their social group is made up of married couples with spawn. And while I like my friends' offspring, I don't really want to spend the afternoon as the only never-married, never-spawned person at the gathering, with a bunch of other peoples' kids. I don't like children in groups. I don't like moms in groups, either. They make me feel all Bridget Jonesish.

So we're in different places, and it's hard to keep in touch. And it often feels like I've lost a huge chunk of myself, with those two people not so close as they were.

I'm not whining, or trying not to. I know that they find it tough to keep in touch with their friends who aren't married with offspring. My one friend works close to me, so we can meet for lunch. My other friend is in a position where she has to punch a clock, so that idea is out. And weekends are all family stuff. It sucks.

Then again, spawn grow up and move away, and the parental units need to know there is still life outside the home. And sometimes the spawn need to talk to someone who isn't a parent.

So I'll be around, even if the connection isn't as tight as it once was. It's different, but not broken.

It's just difficult to remember that sometimes.


  1. Oh, I empathize.

    My best friend had a baby in May. I really miss her!

    Hang in there.

  2. It's hard. The spawn (and the marriage) changes things. I suppose it is slightly easier for guys, we bond in different ways (until the spouses can'r stand us)