Friday, June 6, 2008

Snake, A Snake, Oh Nooooo.....

I just ran a snake off the back screened-in porch. Little fucker came in under the screen door, then went into coiled-up attack mode at the cat. I grabbed the cat, stamped my feet, yelled, and the snake sat there, coiled up, and just looked at me like, "What, bitch?"

Now, I don't do well with snakes, even ones I know aren't poisonous. They creep me out. I think it's some subterranean part of our brain that makes us feel that way. People who've overcome it have my admiration. But personally, I'd rather deal with a gator in the driveway than a snake anywhere.

The snake on the screen porch wasn't working for me, even though I'm 90% sure it is non-poisonous. Only 90% because I'd taken off my contact lenses. So I did what any liberated woman would do; I called my daddy, who said, "Does it have a pointy head?"

Dad, I didn't get that close. It was round in a pointy kind of way. But not pointy pointy.

"It sounds like a black snake, not a cottonmouth. Wait an hour and it'll leave. Or get a broom and sweep it out. Or call your brother, he deals with snakes all the time."

So I opted for #2. I put on my wellies because a bite even from a non-poisonous snake can get infected, and I don't want to visit the ER with a stupid black snake bite. And if it were a cottonmouth...well, I'm probably allergic to horse serum and not in a hurry to find out for sure. So then I had a purely medicinal shot of vodka because I am not brave.

Thus fortified, in my wellies, broom in hand, I slid the back door open and stepped onto the porch. I got the shovel in easy grabbing position in case the snake showed up, hissed at me, and had a white mouth. We don't need no stinkin' cottonmouths here. They ARE poisonous and aggressive, too.

While singing my snake-killing fight song (from the flash "Badger badger mushroom mushroom, SNAKE, O a snake...") I started moving stuff with the edge of the broom. Furniture. Flipped up the furniture cushions. Poked the chairs around the patio table. Poked the patio table. Stalked around the edges of the porch, banging the wall with the broom handle. Cussed a lot and generally acted like a deranged Great White Hunter. All I needed was a pith helmet.

After all that, no snake. It obviously was unnerved by the screeching and door-slamming and general carrying-on and left. There's now a mat shoved under the back screen door, to fill in the gap between it and the patio. I'm hoping that the snake really is OUT and not trapped inside.

I suspect the snake lives under the drain pipe right outside the screen porch, or maybe in the corner between the patio and the master bedroom. It's a bit marshy over there, and shady. It'd be a nice place to hang out if I were a snake. I also heard some weird hissing-like noise coming from back there a few days ago when I moved some plants that, at the time, I assumed was from the bad connection of the hose to the spigot. But...

Ugh. Between snakes on the porch and gators in the driveway and 3" flying roaches and lizards everywhere, it's like Mutual of Omaha's Wild freakin' Kingdom around here. I do not need nature that close.

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